When your baby dies

Many thanks to Kate Volker who researched and wrote this section.

  

Arranging the burial or cremation, and funeral of your baby

Like many bereaved parents, you may never have planned, or even attended, a funeral before. You were preparing for the joy of a birth and now you must make decisions about your own child’s funeral. You may feel overwhelmed by the decisions you have to make and ill-prepared to make them. The aim of this section is to provide you with clear information about the choices you have, and help you make decisions that will be right for you.

What has to done by law

If your baby was born after 24 weeks of gestation, then by law their body must be buried or cremated. This can be arranged by you, or if you prefer not to be involved, the hospital can make arrangements for you.

If your baby was stillborn before 24 weeks, you can still arrange a funeral. If this is the decision you make, much of the information within this “Funerals” section will be relevant to you.

Who will make the arrangements – you or the hospital?

This is entirely your choice, and it is a personal decision. Don’t feel pressured to make decisions quickly. You can take time to think - your baby will be kept safely until you have decided what arrangements you wish to make. Talk to the hospital staff if you find it hard to decide.

If you are put off arranging things yourself simply because it feels too difficult, then take a little time to read through this section. The information here may reassure you that this is something you can do.

If you choose to ask the hospital to make the arrangements, you can ask about what will happen to your baby. Many hospitals now follow guidelines such as those produced by SANDS or have their own guidelines and will treat your baby with respect. It is also now more common practice to make a record of the arrangements made so that if, at a later date, you wish to know what happened to your baby, you will be able to access that information.

A Funeral

Although, by law, you must have your baby buried or cremated, you are under no obligation to hold a funeral service. This means that you can say goodbye in almost any way you choose.

Many parents find that the funeral marks the time when they say goodbye to their baby – the moment when they truly understand that their baby has died. It can be a very distressing and painful experience, but it can also be a time to acknowledge your baby’s importance and to share and express your grief and your love with others. Many parents talk of the funeral as a valued memory and something they are glad they went through.

A funeral can be religious or non-religious, traditional or a ceremony of your own design. Think about how you would like to say goodbye to your baby. Do not let outside pressures force you into doing something that does not feel right for you and your baby.

If you choose to arrange the burial or cremation, and the funeral yourself, we hope you will be able to find a way of saying goodbye which will be of some comfort, and will be a sustaining memory in the weeks, months and years ahead.

“The funeral followed the post mortem and friends and family gathered round to say goodbye to Katie. She is buried in our village churchyard, ten minutes walk away, which has been a great blessing.” (Ann, mother of Katie),)

“When I think about the funeral it’s difficult to really appreciate what was happening. We should have been celebrating her birth.” (Joanne, mother of Ffion.)

In the rest of this section you will find more information about

Burial or Cremation:
Whether you decide to arrange the funeral yourselves or whether you decide to ask the hospital to arrange it for you, you will need to make a decision about whether to have your baby buried or cremated. More information can be found about your options by clicking on the appropriate links.

Who will organise the disposal of the body:

To help you to decide what to do there is more information about what the different options involve:

Planning the Funeral Service:

If you decide to go ahead with arranging a funeral yourself this section will help you find the style of funeral which suits you. There are ideas for poems and readings you might like to include in your funeral service.

Paying for the Funeral:

There are many different costs involved in organising a funeral. It may seem hard to think about financial matters at this time but this section gives a brief outline of the and explains how to access any financial help for which you may be eligible.

Memorials:

Many parents wish to commemorate their baby through a permanent memorial. There are many different ideas for memorials, and this section gives information and suggestions.

Contacts:

This section has some contact details for organisations who can help in organising a funeral yourself.