Arranging a funeral service for your baby may
seem like an impossible and unbearable task. However, you may find that
organising the service, writing a eulogy, and selecting poems and readings
gives you some sense of focus. Take your time and make sure you do what
seems right for your family. It can seem that you have an overwhelming
number of decisions to make. The funeral director and his staff, a clergyman
or humanist officiant, other family members or friends, and your local
SANDS contact may all be able to help you.
What is a Funeral Service?
We tend to have a set idea of what a funeral service should be. We tend
to think of a traditional ceremony, conducted by a clergyman and held
in a church or perhaps in the cemetery or crematorium chapel. This may
be the type of service you would like for your baby. However, there are
other choices open to you. The aim of this section is to make you aware
of the many different choices you have.
Location
You do not have to hold the service where your baby is to be buried or
cremated, although you may wish to do so. You can, in fact, hold a funeral
service almost anywhere. Some of the possible choices are listed below:
In Church
You may wish to hold the funeral service in a particular church and you
may do so no matter where your baby is to be buried or cremated. Funeral
services held in churches tend to last around half-an-hour but, in general,
there is no pressure to fit the service into a rigid timeslot. It is normal
for the incumbent clergyman to conduct a funeral service held at his or
her own church, but if you would prefer you may ask permission for a different
clergyman to officiate, perhaps a friend or family member.
At the Cemetery Chapel
Most municipal cemeteries in England and Wales have a cemetery chapel.
You may wish to make use of the chapel if your baby is to be buried in
the cemetery. However, you are free to hold the service elsewhere. You
can find more information about cemetery chapels in the Burials section
of this website.
At the Crematorium Chapel
Almost all crematoria have a chapel that can be used for religious or
non-religious services. You may be able to make use of the crematorium
chapel, even if your baby is not to be cremated. You can find more information
about crematorium chapels in the Cremations section of this website. If
you have decided that your baby is to be cremated but would rather not
hold the funeral service in the crematorium chapel, you may choose another
location for the service.
At the Graveside
You might choose to hold the service at the graveside. Bear in mind that
your service could be affected by the weather and that it may be difficult
for people to hear or to stand for a long period of time.
At Home
You may feel that your own home is the best place to hold a service for
your baby. Clergy from some denominations are willing to officiate in
services held away from a church or chapel so you may be able to hold
a religious ceremony, if this is what you would like.
In Another Location
Maybe you would like to hold a ceremony for your baby in a place
that has special significance for you. It could be in a building or somewhere
outdoors. Perhaps it is somewhere you visited while pregnant or a natural
beauty spot. If it is on privately owned land, you will have to get permission
from the owner. If it is land owned by a local authority, you must check
with that authority before making plans.
Choosing an Officiant or Clergyman
You will need to choose someone to conduct the funeral service. This may
be a member of the clergy or a secular officiant. Alternatively, you might
decide that a family member of friend would be the most appropriate person.
Another option is to ask your funeral director whether he or she is willing
to officiate. You will find more information on these options below:
A Member of the Clergy
If you go to church regularly, you may wish your local priest or minister
to conduct the funeral service. This does not necessarily mean that you
have to hold the service in the church. You could hold the ceremony at
the cemetery or crematorium chapel. Some clergy are also willing to conduct
graveside services or a service in your home. Contact the priest or minister
of your choice early on to make sure that he or she will be available.
If you are not a churchgoer but you feel that you would like a member
of the clergy to officiate at the funeral service, the hospital chaplain
should be willing to do so or he or she may be able to make a recommendation.
If the service is to be held at the crematorium, there may be a roster
of clergy of different denominations willing to conduct funeral services
there. The priest or minister will usually visit you at home and discuss
with you the service format you would like. You may be able to select
some readings, prayers and hymns.
A Secular Officiant
If you are not religious, but would like someone outside of the family
to conduct the service, contact the British Humanist Association (see
resources section for contact details). This organisation will put you
in touch with a local humanist officiant trained to conduct funeral services.
This person will visit you at home and discuss with you the format and
contents of the service. He or she will not introduce anything into the
service that you have not discussed beforehand. Humanist officiants will
be able to suggest poems and readings, or you may select your own.
Funeral Director
Some funeral directors are experienced at conducting funeral services.
If you would like your funeral director to officiate, speak to him or
her directly. You may wish to check whether he or she has conducted services
in the past.
Family Member or Friend
You may feel that a close friend or family member would be the best person
to conduct your baby’s funeral service. You may even feel that you
would like to do this yourself. If so, make sure that the format and order
of the service is clear and that all the details are worked out beforehand.
Your funeral director may be able to give guidance and help. Obviously,
this would be a very moving and difficult task to perform. It might be
a good idea to select a back-up person in case it is just too hard on
the day.
Service Format
A funeral service does not have to follow any particular format.
However, it usually consists of an introduction and eulogy along with
poems, readings and prayers. You may wish to write about your feelings
of grief and loss; you may wish to celebrate your baby’s life, however
brief. Choosing poems, readings and prayers (links to these pages) gives
you a chance to make the funeral service a reflection of your feelings
for your baby. Often, music is included in the service.
Religious denominations tend to have more rigid service formats. However,
there may still be room for you to add chosen thoughts, readings and prayers.
The websites below outline the service formats used for a few religious
denominations.
The Church of England website found at http://www.cofe.anglican.org/lifechanges/index.html
briefly describes the format of an Anglican service and the role of the
clergyman in performing the service.
Music
If you are holding the funeral service in a church, you may wish
to ask an organist to accompany hymns and to play as people enter and
leave. Some crematorium and cemetery chapels have an organ. You may prefer
to use music on C.D. or cassette tape and most crematorium chapels have
good facilities for this. Discuss with your clergyman or officiant and
the cemetery or crematorium staff as appropriate. If using your own equipment
check beforehand that it will work in the location where the service is
to be held, and that everyone will be able to hear the music. Make sure
tapes are cued to the right place. Another very personal alternative is
to ask a family member or friend to sing or play music. There are suggestions
for hymns and other music in the “Music” section of this website.
Other Details
Seating
At some locations, including some crematoria chapels, you may be able
to move the seats, if you would like to, in order to create a less formal
atmosphere. Ask your funeral director about this beforehand.
Transportation
Traditionally, the funeral director provides a hearse and cars to bring
mourners to the funeral. However, if you would like to take your baby
yourselves, in your own car, you will be able to arrange this with your
funeral director.
Bearing the Coffin
At most funerals, the funeral director’s staff carry the coffin
into the church or chapel. You may feel that you or your family members
or friends should be the bearers of your baby’s coffin. If so, speak
to your funeral director and he or she will help and guide you.
Press Notices
If you would like a notice about your baby’s stillbirth or birth
and death placed in a newspaper, along with details of the funeral, discuss
this with your funeral director.
Flowers
Giving flowers provides an opportunity for family and friends to show
their sympathy to you and to participate, in a small way, in the funeral
service. Traditionally, flowers are sent from the florist either directly
to you or to the funeral director. The funeral director will bring any
flowers received to the funeral. If you would prefer mourners to donate
to charity rather than send flowers, this information is usually included
in the press notice. If there is not to be a press notice you could ask
one family member or friend to take responsibility for letting others
know. If you would prefer to include flowers in a less formal way there
are alternatives. If it is the spring or summer time you could ask mourners
to bring a flower or a small bunch of flowers from their garden. These
could be placed on your baby’s coffin at a set time during the service.
Another possibility is for you to give a flower to mourners as they leave,
to press and keep in memory of your baby. You could choose to give a flower
that has a symbolic meaning such as a sprig of rosemary (remembrance),
forget-me-not (hope and remembrance) or lily-of-the-valley (hope and purity).
After the Service
Sometimes, after a funeral, mourners meet together at the home of a family
member or elsewhere. You may feel that this would be of comfort to you,
or you may feel that you would like to be by yourselves. If you would
like to arrange such a gathering, discuss this with your funeral director.
It is normal to provide refreshments of some kind. However, do not feel
that you need to organise anything if you feel that you would rather spend
time alone after the funeral.
Other Links
There are other websites that include helpful information about planning
a funeral service.
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