Cremations

“My daughter and her husband decided to have Matthew cremated and his ashes divided so that part of him would be laid to rest in Wales and part in my son-in-law’s home, Tennessee. Thus both sets of grandparents had places where they could go regularly to be with their first grandchild.” (Nick … Grieving Grandad )

Documentation
The documentation needed before a cremation can be carried out is more complicated than for a burial. A body cannot be cremated until after the cause of death is known, which means that it may have to be delayed until after a post mortem is completed. If your baby was stillborn, a doctor who was present at the birth or who examined the body after birth must complete a special medical certificate. Otherwise, two doctors must sign the cremation certificate. In all cases, the next of kin and the medical referee at the crematorium must sign other forms available from the funeral director. Funeral directors are very familiar with this paperwork and will ensure it is all completed correctly.

The Funeral Service
Most crematoria have a non-denominational chapel on site, which can be used for religious or secular services. Several funeral services may be held each day and so chapel times are limited. Some allow 30 or 40 minutes for each service but others allow as little as 20 minutes. If you feel that the time allocated will not be long enough for the service you would like, ask if you can book a double timeslot.

Some crematoria have a rota of clergymen of different denominations available to conduct services. However, many people prefer to select their own clergyman or secular officiant. Alternatively, a family member or friend can conduct the service. The chapels at most crematoria have facilities for playing music. You may be able to hire an organist to play at the funeral service or you can bring a selection of music on CD or cassette tape.

You are not obliged to hold the funeral service at the crematorium chapel. You may wish to hold a funeral service at your church, home or elsewhere. This can be followed by a short committal service at the crematorium (the committal is the name given to the moment when the coffin is ‘committed’ to be cremated). You can find more information about planning the service under the Planning a Funeral Service section of this website.

Placing Items Inside the Coffin
You may feel that you would like to place personal items inside your baby’s coffin such as toys, photos or flowers. Environmental regulations mean that there are restrictions on the items that can be included and therefore it is best to ask the advice of your funeral arranger or the crematorium authority. Plastic and some metal items may not be allowed but other things, including photos and letters, can be placed with your baby.

Only in very exceptional circumstances are coffins ever opened after the committal, so rest assured that your baby’s coffin will not be tampered with. If flowers are left on the coffin staff may remove them from any vase or arrangement but the flowers themselves will be replaced.

Ashes
In some cases, there may be no ashes remaining after the cremation of a stillborn or newborn baby. Whether or not there are ashes depends partly on the age of your baby and partly on the type of equipment used at the crematorium. However, even if you are told beforehand that there will be no ashes, you may wish to check with the crematorium after the ceremony to make sure that this is, in fact, the case.

If there are ashes, you must decide whether you would like them to be scattered, buried or whether you would like to keep them. There is no need to feel pressured to make a decision quickly, but if you do not wish the ashes to be scattered or buried within the crematorium grounds following the funeral service make sure you inform the staff at the crematorium, either directly or via your funeral director, when you make the funeral arrangements. Almost all crematoria have a “Garden of Remembrance” which is generally a landscaped area and may include, for example, a rose garden or water feature. You may be able to place a plaque within the Garden of Remembrance if you wish to do so, or you may be able to plant a tree, shrub or rose bush.

There are few restrictions on the burial or scattering of ashes. You may choose to scatter the ashes within a churchyard, cemetery or in a place of special significance to you. If you would like to bury or scatter the ashes on private land that is not your own, you should request permission from the landowner. There is no need to obtain permission from any authority in order to bury ashes on private land but you would need a licence from the Home Office if you later wish to remove and rebury them.

If your baby’s ashes are to be taken abroad it is important to be aware that, although UK law allows ashes to be taken abroad, many countries have strict rules concerning the importation of ashes. Some families find comfort in keeping the ashes nearby. Some people keep the ashes in an urn or casket. Others keep ashes in a specially designed piece of jewellery.

Book of Remembrance
Most crematoria have a “Book of Remembrance” in which you can write your baby’s name. Sometimes the Book is displayed in a glass cabinet and the pages are turned daily or you may be able to phone the crematorium and request to see the Book during opening hours.

“We arranged the funeral ourselves and we requested everybody wear white as a mark of Baby Shane’s innocence and purity. Two years later we scattered his ashes in the holy River Ganges in India. This felt a fitting way to remember Baby Shane because his ashes were blessed by the Buddha, and it was also the Buddha’s birthday on this day.” (From Erica’s story of Baby Shane)