Choices about your baby immediately after their birth

If you are reading this then you are very likely the parent or relative of a baby who has died, perhaps only hours or days ago.

It may seem cruel but at this time of grief and shock, when you might feel you can barely function, there are some very important things you have to do, and some important choices you can make about your baby in the days after his or her death.

It may feel hard to take in the reality of what is happening and to know what you want. However, the memories of this short time with your baby before you must say goodbye will be very important to you for the rest of your life. Sadly in this situation there are no second chances. It is important you know what choices you can make to ensure you are left with no regrets.

Below is a list of suggestions of things you can do, which other parents in this situation have found helpful. They are things you might not have thought of, or did not realise were possible.

Please remember the choices about what to do are very personal: there is no right or wrong. You may feel unclear about what you want, and need time to think about it. You may find that that you and your partner think differently, or that you keep changing your mind. Take your time, and ask for information if you want it.

Seeing and holding your baby

Hospitals will usually ask parents if they want to see their baby. Some parents may take a minute or two or even longer to take on board the tragic loss and come to terms with the fact that when their baby is presented to them, he or she will be dead. A baby may have spent days hooked up to tubes in a Special Babycare Unit and the first time parents properly hold their baby may be in those heart-breaking moments when he or she is dying.

Many parents tell us that holding their baby has brought comfort and a sense of reality at a moment of intense shock. But there are no rules and you may not want to see your baby. The important thing is to do what is right for you. The hospital staff are there to make suggestions and offer opportunities, but in the end no-one else knows what is right for you.

If you are worried about what your baby might look like you could ask the midwife to describe your baby first, or look at a photograph, or perhaps one partner can look.

If parents do want to see and hold their baby, they may also want other family members to hold the baby, even siblings. By involving them they may also be helping them to come to terms with the loss of a brother or sister, grandchild, niece or nephew.

Hospitals should allow you to hold your baby for as long as you feel you want to. Your baby can be kept in a basket or cot in your room, or kept somewhere close to where you are sleeping so that you can request to see the baby when you want to.

You can take as much time as you like to be with your baby. You can ask medical staff to leave yourself and your partner and baby to be alone. You can see your baby as many times as you wish. You can ask where and how your baby’s body will be kept when it is not with you.

Dressing and bathing your baby

The baby will be washed after delivery, and you can choose to do this yourself. You may wish to dress your baby yourself – perhaps in special clothes you have chosen. You might leave a special toy or photo with your baby. If hospital staff have already dressed your baby you may wish to redress him or her later on, either while you are still in hospital or before a funeral if you are planning one.

There are organisations who will send you, free of charge and next-day delivery, a hand-knitted outfit for your baby. Try linking to www.bonniebabies.co.uk if you would like to know more.

Naming your baby

It may be obvious to you that you are going to name your baby, and many parents do so. Some parents find that if their baby has a name, their existence can feel more real to both them and their families and friends. It may be easier to talk about a baby if he or she has a name. The hospital may have a chaplain or other religious representative who may be able to come to your room and bless and name your baby, whatever your religious background may be.

If you have already chosen a name before you knew that your baby had died, it is probably best to use that name and not save it for a future child.

However you may be unsure if you want to give your baby a name. You may think it will be easier to get over the loss if the baby does not have the identity a name can bestow. This may be particularly true if the baby has died earlier in the pregnancy, or had to be terminated. It is a very personal choice, and you must feel free to do what is right for you.

Other Children

If you have other children, consider allowing them to see and hold their brother or sister. You might be worried that this would be too upsetting, but children may be comforted to know that their sibling was real and did not look frightening. Often a child’s imagination of what they have not seen is much worse than any reality. It may make the death easier for them to accept in the long term.

Family

The same is true for other family members. If you are close to your wider family, you may want to invite some of them to see your baby as well. This can help to make it feel as though the baby is part of the family network and the bereavement something that touches the whole family.

Photographs

Hospital staff will probably offer to take a photograph of your baby for you, or you can do so yourself. Polaroid cameras are often used but the photos they take can fade with time. It might be better to use a 35mm camera if you have access to one.

If you are not comfortable with the idea of photographs, you can ask staff to take a photo but keep it safe for you incase you change your mind in the future. You might consider having photos of you and your partner or other family members holding the baby.

Keepsakes

You can keep mementos of your baby. It can be comforting to have reminders of your baby that you can look at and touch. Some hospitals will have a specially designed memory booklet or box for this purpose.

Some things you could keep are: the identification bracelet, a lock of hair, hand and footprints, the blanket your baby was wrapped in, a record of your baby’s weight and measurements, a scan picture, cards or ribbons from flowers you received, a cot card, a fetal monitor tracing. You might want to keep these mementos in a memory box or in a memory booklet.

Taking your baby home

Some parents take their dead baby home for a short time. They feel it is comforting to have experienced having their baby at home away from the hospital environment. If you want to do this, don’t be afraid to discuss it with the hospital staff.

If you have given your consent for a post mortem it is important to take this into account when arranging to take your baby home. You may be able to take the baby home for a short while before the post mortem or you may have to wait until after the post mortem is completed before you can take the baby home. This may be several weeks later and so you must be prepared for the fact that the condition of your baby's body will have changed by then.

Post mortem, registration and funeral

There are important decisions you will have to make about whether to have a post mortem done, and about arranging a funeral. If your baby was born after 24 weeks of pregnancy you will also have to register your baby at your local registrar's office. This process is slightly different, depending on whether your baby was stillborn or died neonatally. Click on the highlighted links for more information.

Seeing your baby in the time before the before the funeral

You can spend a much time as you wish with your baby during this time. Even after you have left the hospital yourself, you can return at any time to see your baby again. When the time comes to say a final goodbye, make sure that, as far as possible, you have done everything you wanted to do.