Shared experiences

Very many thanks to all the parents, siblings, families and friends, who have allowed us to share their experiences on this site.

Ellie

My name is Sarah, I'm 17.

This is about my beautiful baby, Ellie, who was born and sadly died, in March 2003.

Ellie was born at 14:43 hours and weighed only 715 grams. She was 30.5 cms long, about the size of a school ruler. She was so perfectly formed in every way. She had dark hair, and blue eyes; she only ever opened her right eye.

I was around 23 weeks gestation when I went into hospital with some bleeding. They said the entrance to my womb had started to open. I was looked after in hospital really well, always hearing my baby's heartbeat whenever I wanted to. But I started to bleed another twice during that week.

In the early hours of Friday I had really bad back pains. I thought it was because I wasn't allowed out of my bed so I blamed it on that. But at 8am it was really bad. I called the midwife who checked me. I was bleeding; there were big blood clots. So they took me round to the Labour Unit, to keep an eye on me. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink. They put a drip in me. It was horrible.

At about 10am I was taken into a delivery room where they did an internal, which broke my waters. I started shaking violently. I was so immensely scared as I knew my baby was small and shouldn't be coming now. I was not prepared. I wasn't frightened of giving birth; I think I was just in shock. I was given loads of injections; my drip was hooked up to antibiotics, and hours later at 14.43, I gave birth to a baby girl, Ellie.

I couldn't see her as she was rushed to this warm table in the corner where there were eight baby specialists. She had stopped breathing but they resuscitated her; she couldn't breathe on her own and she had loads of tubes in her. Then she had to have an operation in front of me, to mend an air lock in her lungs.

About an hour and a half after she was born she was still in the room, and I was allowed to get up and see her. I touched her hand and kissed her on the head. I was so scared to touch her as she looked so fragile. I sat back down on the bed and remember seeing Sharon from the SCBU, take her out to the incubator. That was the last time I saw her alive.

I went for a shower and once I had came out I sat in a side room with my mum. The head Paediatrician came round with Sharon, and told me that my baby had died at 1705, as she was just too small and her organs were not mature enough. I just stared and cried and my mum hugged me. Then I was wheeled round to the bereavement suite.

I sat there with my mum and my sister, then Sharon and the doctor brought in my baby in a tiny moses basked. She looked so peaceful, just like she was sleeping. I got to hold her and the midwife took loads of pictures of her.

They asked me what I was going to call her. I hadn't thought of any names, but Ellie just came into my head. I held her, just staring at her innocence and beauty and amazed at how this was my baby. I don't think it had sunk in then what was really going on, as I was moderately calm; I think I was numb with pain and shock. I kept thinking I could see her move, or just wanting to see her move or cry, anything just as long as she wasn't dead. But she was.

I got let home about 8.45pm. I have a lovely book with Ellie's hand and feet prints in it, a lock of her hair and two photos; it is so lovely.

Sarah