Gavin Alexander
After 4 years of trying to get pregnant I was finally referred to an IVF clinic for treatment on the NHS.
We visited Homerton IVF clinic in July 2002 to see the consultant who examined me and agreed that I was suitable for treatment. I was given another appointment for November 2002. The waiting list was one year but we could have pay for a private course in the meantime.
We agreed that we would pay for a course of IVF to start in November.
I was put on drugs to stimulate my ovaries and was scanned every other day to check if my ovaries were responding. My ovaries were not responding so I was advised to abandon this attempt and begin again with stronger drugs (injections rather than nasal spray).
In January 2003 I began a course of injections. I had to inject the drugs into my thigh every day. Again I was scanned every other day things were looking good.
Monday 24th Feb 10.30pm - 36 hours before egg collection I had to go to the hospital for the final injection.
Wednesday 26th Feb 9.30am we returned to Homerton for egg retrieval. Here we hit a snag, despite previous samples being fine, Brian's sperm were not active and mobile we were advised to opt for ICSI were one good sperm is selected and injected directly into each egg. Then came the next snag. Only one egg was retrieved. Because of my endometriosis only one ovary could be reached and most of the follicles did not contain eggs.
We were deeply disappointed all this effort and so little good results. However we had one egg.
We were sent home the hospital would call the following day to tell us if fertilisation had taken place.
Thursday 27th February my egg had been successfully fertilised. We were amazed and thrilled.
Friday 28th February we returned to Homerton for embryo transfer. We were shown the 4-cell embryo magnified many times. After the transfer had taken place I was advised to lie still for a while before going home. I was advised to cut out caffeine, hot spicy foods and pineapple (I am still unsure why pineapple), continue taking folic acid and take one aspirin a day.
We were to return in two weeks time for a pregnancy test. I spent the next two weeks on a high assuming I was pregnant and taking it very easy.
Thursday 13th March the day before I was due at Homerton for the pregnancy test I decided it was time to face reality the chances of me being pregnant were slim.
Friday 14th March - we returned to Homerton I had not done a pregnancy test myself much to the amazement of the nurse. After she left with my urine sample Brian calmly tried to warn me that that the chances of being pregnant were slim, I agreed and we awaited the bad news. Jenny, the nurse returned a few minutes later with the news I was pregnant !! We were absolutely stunned.
We had booked a holiday to Barcelona for 18th March we thought we'd be getting away to cheer us up if I was not pregnant now I was panicking about flying but was assured that as it was only a short flight we should go. I didn't enjoy the flights at all although I did enjoy the holiday.
We had also booked a holiday to USA for 25th April I immediately decided I was not going. Luckily the insurance company were happy to repay my flight costs after receiving a letter from my GP.
Friday 11th April - I was booked for a scan the sonographer confirmed that everything was well a heartbeat could be detected. We received our first photo of our baby a blob. We were given a due date of 23rd November.
Friday 25th April - I returned for a scan when arms and legs could be seen clearly waving.
I no longer needed to attend the IVF clinic I saw my GP and told her the good news and was referred to the maternity unit at Chase Farm Hospital .
My bump was growing I liked to stand in front of the mirror admiring it.
I attended my antenatal appointments.
I am not sure when I started to get morning sickness. I would feel sick at all sorts of times not just in the morning. Quite often I had lost my appetite for most things. In fact all I wanted was Jacket potatoes & cheese (reasonably healthy). I used to try to drink plenty of water and also drunk milkshakes (nesquik) to keep my fluid intake up. One day I made myself a glass of milkshake and very soon after brought it up. That was my last milkshake! In time water would make me retch although on the midwife's advice I would sip water rather than try to drink a glassful.
In time the nausea subsided and I started eating more even enjoying the odd Indian meal. I thought that I ate reasonably healthily throughout although I didn't eat much fruit until quite late on in pregnancy.
Thursday 3rd July - 20 week scan - a problem was found with one of the baby's kidneys. It was multi-cystic. We were very upset. We were referred to UCH where we saw a kidney specialist that afternoon. He assured us that the baby would be fine; he would possibly need a course of anti-biotics when he was born. As long as the other kidney remained good everything would be fine many people live with just one kidney.
At this point we had no idea whether the baby was a boy or girl. I referred to it as He as I disliked the word It.
Thursday 31st July we went to UCH for another scan. We were assured that baby's kidneys were as before. One kidney was fine.
I continued to attend antenatal appointments at Chase Farm and in mid August decided to transfer to Whipps Cross Hospital , as it is more convenient for us to get to.
Monday 8th September we saw a Kidney specialist from Great Ormond Street who explained baby's kidney problem and possible courses of action after birth.
I can't remember when I was first aware of kicks. At first it was a feeling of butterflies in my tummy but soon there was no mistaking the kicks it was a beautiful feeling. I would be woken in the early morning by an active baby and I would lie in bed smiling to myself and realising that the day our baby was due was getting nearer and nearer. .
I hadn't slept the whole way through the night for months but I didn't mind everyone said it was good practise for when the baby arrived.
Wednesday 1st October I attended my first antenatal class. It was good to be with other expectant mums. Of the whole class I was due first. There were a couple of classes arranged at times so that Dads could come along.
Wednesday 15th October the antenatal class was held in the evening so Brian came with me. Half way through the class Brian fainted and we spent the next few hours in casualty at Whipps Cross. Everyone at the antenatal class joked that Brian wouldn't be much use at the birth if he couldn't cope with a discussion at an antenatal class.
Monday 27th October Antenatal check-up at Whipps Cross. I was told on this occasion that I would not be allowed to go overdue. When I asked why the consultant said that because it was an IVF pregnancy.
I packed up work on Friday 31st October and started to enjoy putting my feet up, watching daytime TV especially the satellite health channels, which showed births and pregnancy stories.
We had borrowed a baby name book from the library. I had some names that I had liked for years about 6 boys names and 6 girls names. Brian read through the book and shortlisted about 20 boys and 20 girls names we hadn't agreed on a single name. My names were fairly ordinary, every day names. Brian didn't want our child to have a name that would be the same as 6 other kids in the class. That ruled out most of my names. I read through Brian's list, dismissed some of them immediately and ticked a few of Brian's choices that I liked. Brian wanted the middle name to be a family name so for a boy we chose Alexander (after my Dad) or Stanley (after Brian's Grandfather). We soon agreed on a girl's name. From that moment we were convinced the baby was a boy. I decided that Gavin was a good name and that Alexander went well as a middle name. I used to say the names over and over to get used to the sound of them. We soon agreed that Gavin Alexander would be the name for a boy although I have heard that sometimes babies are born and the parents decide that the chosen name is not appropriate.
The baby kicked me every day to reassure me. One morning I thought I hadn't felt the baby move in a while. We went to Whipps Cross. As soon as they hooked me up to the fetal monitor the baby kicked constantly!
I had my last ante-natal check-up on Monday 17th November. The consultant booked me in for induction on Friday 28th November assuming I hadn't gone into labour before.
My due date came and went. The baby still kicked me regularly. Friday 28th arrived. I woke early excited and anxious. I'd have my baby within the next 24 hours. We got to the hospital at 8.30am. I was finally seen at about 9.30 and put on my nightie, got into bed and was hooked up to a fetal monitor. There were 2 other ladies on the ward who had both been brought in more than 24 hours previously for induction and hadn't been taken downstairs, as the labour ward was too busy. It was obvious I wasn't going to be induced that day. Brian & I decided however that I was in the best place.
Saturday came & went without being induced.
Finally Sunday lunchtime I was induced twice. An attempt to break my waters was made. I had a lot of pelvic pain so was given painkillers & a sleeping tablet the first pills I had taken for the whole of my pregnancy.
Monday 1st December I was taken down to the labour ward and attached to a drip, which started contractions. As the baby was being continually monitored I spent the whole time lying down my birth plan having gone completely out of the window. I cannot now recall times and dates as days and nights all blurred into one.
I was examined and found to be 1cm dilated. The drip was increased and the contractions got worse. I was using gas and air but decided some sort of pain relief was necessary. I was given an injection of dia-morphine. I started having the strangest hallucinations pleasant and colourful and the pain did subside. When the dia-morphine wore off I was given another shot but it didn't have the same effect I think I'd got too used to it.
After 4 hours I was 5cms dilated. At this point, against my earlier wishes I opted for an epidural. It was now 2am on Tuesday 2nd December. At about 6.30am I was examined again and was still only 5cm dilated. I was advised to opt for a caesarean section and I signed the consent forms.
As I was wheeled to the operating theatre I had a really severe contraction that seemed to last forever. I also felt very sick and before the midwife could get a bowl to me I threw up violently all over the gown and sheet that were covering me and all over the midwife who was standing beside the trolley. I now wonder if this is the moment that Gavin died.
The operation went as planned and half an hour later the baby was lifted out of me. One of the nurses lowered that sheet and said to me Look it's a boy I was immediately concerned that he didn't move his arms and legs and started to shout What's wrong with my baby. No-one answered me so I continued to shout. The baby didn't cry and I was really panicking by now. Some time later a woman doctor to inform us that our baby could not be revived. He had never taken a breath. All our hopes and dreams died at that moment. We were in shock. I started to scream at the staff that I needed my family my parents and two sisters, and I needed them to come in immediately. I knew Mandy would be at work so I insisted that they got both sisters to come in.
We named the baby Gavin Alexander I am so glad that we didn't waste time trying to agree on a name. We'd finally come up with this name about two weeks previously.
I asked the nurses to get me a Catholic priest so that Gavin could be baptised.
I gave a nurse the little outfit that I had picked out. It was a bit big. The nurses dressed Gavin. I now regret the fact that I never saw Gavin naked, I never saw all his little boy's bits. I only ever saw his head and hands. He was absolutely beautiful and perfectly formed.
The nurses made ink prints of Gavin's hands and feet. He weighed 8lb 6oz and was 56cms long. A good healthy size but he hadn't lived. No one could tell me why Gavin hadn't lived. I decided then that Gavin would have a post mortem. I needed to know why he died although the post mortem may be inconclusive.
My family arrived after what seemed ages. They were all devastated. Brian had found my camera and we took about 40 photos making sure that we had pictures of Gavin with each family member. A regret I have is that some of the photos don't show Gavin close up but of course we never got the chance to re-take them.
The chaplain arrived but explained that he couldn't baptise Gavin as he wasn't alive. Instead he would bless him.
All too soon it was time for Gavin to be taken from us as he needed to go to Hammersmith hospital for a post mortem.
Brian had the awful task of having to phone friends and tell them the news. He also cleared all the baby equipment into the loft.
I had to stay in hospital until Friday as I had had a caesarean. I hated this time as I felt I was an embarrassment to the system. I was neither an expectant mum nor a new mum with a baby.
I emailed a number of work colleagues. Alison sent me the most beautiful poem and I showed it to my family. We all cried as it was so beautiful. I thought it would be lovely to have it read at Gavin's funeral and my sister Sarah agreed to read it.
I will be forever grateful to Mum and Dad for dealing with the horrendous task of arranging Gavin's funeral. Brian and I had no idea what we wanted. I wanted Gavin to be buried at Lavender Hill in Enfield as we have many friends buried there.
Gavin's funeral was arranged for Thursday 18th December. We visited the chapel of rest on Wednesday with Brian's family and my parents and brother Tony. Again we took lots of photos ensuring we had pictures of Gavin with each family member. We placed some toy elephants and a photo of Brian & I into the coffin
Thursday 18th December was a bright sunny day. The sun streamed through the church onto Gavin's tiny coffin.
There were many friends at the church but only relatives at the cemetery as our beloved son was laid to rest.
He is buried in the children's area of the cemetery where there are sadly many other still born babies but I am glad he will have lots of little friends to play with.
Gavin Alexander was our little miracle. He gave me the best nine months of my life and of fulfilling my dream to be a mummy. Thank you darling.
One day we hope to give Gavin a little brother or sister. We will never replace Gavin but we shall proudly tell our next child of their beautiful brave big brother.
I'm just a little fellow
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I'm waiting for you here.
Don't fret about me Mummy and Daddy
I'm of all God's lambs most blessed
I'd have loved to stay there with you
But the shepherd knows what's best.
Many dwell where now I live
Waited years to enter in
Struggled through a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin.
So sweet Mummy don't you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
From my lovely Mummy's womb.
Thank-you for the life you gave me
It was brief but don't complain
I have all of Heaven's glory
Suffered none of Earthlings pain.
Thank-you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame
And if I'd lingered in Earth's shadows
It would have been my Special name.
Daddy gave me something for you
It's our secret Mummy dear
Pressed it tight against my forehead
Whispered in my tiny ear.
I'll be waiting for you Mummy
You and Daddy, Family missed
I'll be with you then forever
And I'll give you Daddy's kiss.
Joanna
Gavin's mother. |
