Shared experiences

Very many thanks to all the parents, siblings, families and friends, who have allowed us to share their experiences on this site.

LUKE - who died in December 2002

It was Tuesday and I was 2 days over due. I had an idea something was wrong but decided that it was just that I was being a paranoid pregnant woman. I had visited the midwife on the Friday before and everything had been fine. My husband had had enough of me worrying and saying I had not felt the baby kick that day so suggested we went to the hospital to get everything checked out. I felt so stupid turning up and expected the midwife to tell us to go home and wait for ‘D Day'. However, while I lay on the bed with bump exposed, the midwife informed me that she was not sure which way the baby was lying, which was why she was unable to find a heartbeat. She left the room to get a doctor who could complete a scan to confirm where the spine was which would make it easier to locate a heartbeat. While waiting my husband and I reassured each other that the midwife was incompetent and that when the doctor checked everything would be fine. It wasn't. We were informed that our baby had died. Initial shock made me think that that would be that and we would go home and grieve, I seemed to block out that I would need to give birth, expecting a ‘beam me up Scotty' type approach to remove my baby. Reality then resumed and I had to make the decision of when I wanted to be induced. My husband and I decided that it would be better to go home that evening so we could let our families know and so we could get our thoughts together in preparation of what lay ahead.

Then I made the hardest phone call I have ever made, at 1am I woke my parents who, at this time, were obviously expecting exciting news, and told them there first grandchild had died. I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl, I had forgotten to ask.

We returned to the hospital on the Wednesday, I had blood tests and smears taken and then the induction of labour given. It took 11 hours before my cervix decided to open, Mix 96 was on the radio and that seemed to be enough. Our families visited for a few hours, talking about anything that would take our minds away from the reality of why we were in hospital.

Labour started with a bang, one minute lying (not comfortably) on the delivery bed, the next pacing the floor trying to cope with the pain. I was given gas and air at this point and as I had already agreed, they called for someone to give me an epidural. I will not go into details of the labour itself as I am sure it is like many others, painful and hard work!

My husband was great throughout my labour, he was supportive and encouraging. It was the love he showed me during this time that has given me strength in the last few months.

Once I had given birth all my fears of whether I would be able to look at my baby and hold him vanished, he was mine, and I was going to be the best mother I could be for the few hours I could be with him.

The baby was a Boy, 5lb 13 ½ oz. As with all parents, we think he was the most beautiful baby ever.

The staff at the hospital washed him and dressed him in an outfit that we had chosen and taken with us. He was so delicate, he was perfect in every way. Our families came to the hospital and met him.

We held a funeral for him and buried him in the churchyard of the church we got married. We wanted to be able to go and visit him at a place that gave us happiness rather than just sadness.

We have been told that my placenta did not feed him enough which is why he was lighter than his potential, however, they cannot say why he died.

Sometimes I'm angry that I didn't get scanned more often during my pregnancy for them to notice he was not growing, but I cannot dwell on my negative thoughts as this will not bring him back or change the past. I can only hope we will have a little brother or sister for him in the future who can love him as much as we do.

My husband and I have become very strong, we have kept to our vows – to love and to cherish in sickness and in health. We have managed to support each other, giving and receiving love.

It is two months on now and our families are still raw with emotion, only sometimes do we talk to each other, it is hard to discuss as I find it hard to see my parents crying and I think they find it hard to see me hurting. We do all talk to others, friends have been so supportive. I have found strength seeing those who I met through NCT. It is hard because they have children, but helps me realise it can work, and one day I am determined it will work for me.

Wendy
February 2003