Shared experiences

Very many thanks to all the parents, siblings, families and friends, who have allowed us to share their experiences on this site.

Joseph

Wednesday and only two days to go before our first born was due to arrive into the world, but a little voice in my head started nagging away at me that something was wrong. At first I tried to ignore it as right up until the night before I had always had good movements but today felt different. So reluctantly I called our friends and asked if they would drive me to the hospital, as I didn’t want to drag Dave home from work.

As I lay on the couch I thought about how soon I would be on my way back home mocking myself for being so silly. But the midwife was taking too long; she kept moving her “ear trumpet” to a different part of my belly. She then reached for the sonographer - but nothing, just silence.

Another midwife joined us and suggested a scanner be brought in….by this time Debbie had left her seat at the end of the room and joined me by the bed….I said nothing, I just stared at the ceiling, my heart racing.

The scanner arrived and I could see the screen. I was convinced at the time that I could see for myself that the heart had stopped, but looking back I don’t think so….I already knew before then that our baby was dead.

They moved us into a private room. I just stared at the wall. I felt numb and full of disbelief, this wasn’t happening? Deb’s left me briefly to ring Dave – she told him they were having trouble locating a heartbeat, she couldn’t tell him the whole truth, after all she wanted him to arrive in one piece.

Richard, Debbie’s husband, joined us, but still I couldn’t look at anyone.

When Dave walked in the room that’s when I cried. He didn’t need to be told, he knew straight away. He just held me and told me how much he loved me.

A second doctor arrived and then a third - it was she that dropped our second bombshell – FULL LABOUR! - I was mortified. How could they possibly expect me to go through all that pain and pushing for nothing?. Dave stressed how dreadful it would be for me, but they were adamant, a Caesarean was not an option.

The doctor explained the risks involved and said they would ease the pain with a full epidural. He was very nice and advised us to go home and try to get some sleep first.

We went back to Richard and Debbie’s but later returned home around 10.30pm. In the nursery the freshly washed blankets, baby grows and stuffed toys were all at the ready. At 5.30am my waters broke. We went back to the hospital and they gave me a pessary to help speed labour. At 9.20pm Joseph was born. 8lb 6oz.

Whilst Dell, my doctor, sutured me I closed my eyes. The next thing I remember was Andy, my anaesthetist, squeezing bags of fluid in through my drip. He kept telling me to focus on him. More and more people rushed in but all I wanted to do was sleep. Dave was slowly pushed away and I’ll never forget the look on his face as they rushed me into theatre.

When I awoke I felt very peaceful. Dave was there as were Richard, Debbie, Dell, Andy and others that I didn’t know. I didn’t give a thought as to where I was or what had happened.

After the ventilator was removed a Consultant came to see me. I was told that I was in Intensive Care; I’d been a very sick and had suffered a catastrophic haemorrhage. I’d had 25 units of blood, 22 units of blood products and until I woke up they didn’t even know if I was going to pull through.

I murmured “you’ve done a hysterectomy haven’t you?” which understandably took her by surprise. She immediately asked how did I know but in truth I didn’t, I’d just had this feeling. Dave squeezed my hand but I told him I was ok. I suppose I was too tired to react any more than that.

Seeing Joseph was delayed for us. By the time I was strong enough it was Monday, and as the door opened we immediately burst into tears. For the first time I could hear joy in Dave’s voice as he said with pride how beautiful and perfect his son was. He looked more like 3 months than new born, a real whopper!

I stroked his head through the hat he was wearing and peeked at his ears. Dave touched his face but I didn’t want to touch his skin, I knew he would feel cold and I didn’t want to remember him like that – I told myself instead that he was just sleeping.

We stared at him feeling only joy and wonder. When the time came to say goodbye we both kissed him and told him how much we loved him.

2 weeks later a special service was held at his graveside. Both our parents and brothers attended, as did Richard and Debbie (we had originally chosen them as Godparents but never got the chance to ask). Dave and I placed a small display of white roses his casket.

Joseph was buried dressed in an outfit my Mum had bought when I was 34 weeks. He was wrapped in a hand crocheted shawl, a gift from a friend, and with him was placed the small blue bunny rabbit I’d bought when I’d last visited Mothercare. I remember being unable to decide between pink or blue or both, but instead relied on my instincts.

With him also are two red roses from his dad and me. These we threw after he had been lowered into the ground and are a symbol of our love that will stay with him always.

Caroline.
Caroline and David are parents to Joseph, stillborn in October 2001.