I found out I'd lost my baby at only 12 weeks pre term in December 2016. There are no words I can use to describe the feeling of utter despair that I felt. Anything related to babies would set me off - sobbing uncontrollably - often at the smallest things but the feeling was there all the time.
When you lose a child prematurely there is no 'right' way to grieve - but in even my closest friends I was expected to behave in a certain way. Someone felt that 'it wasn't a child' at only 12 weeks which I reacted to with fury.
It took a number of weeks for me to be able to speak to someone about the way that I felt - that it was a child, that I had given the baby a sex and a name and that I was utterly, utterly broken by the loss.
I spoke to a father who had been through something similar and he helped me to see that how I felt was okay and that my right to grieve how I wanted to was my choice and no one else's.
I made my girl a box of memories and shared with her pictures and toys as well as an outfit to wear, a beautiful flower and a letter to her from me and her big brother. This was something that I spent a lot of time working on as it had to be 'right' and when I had done this I took it to my favourite place. I spent some time there reading the letter and generally telling her about her family and when I'd done this I buried the box there.
For me this place has always been special and as trivial as it seems it has become a comfort to me that I have said goodbye for just now and that she is somewhere so beautiful and peaceful which I can go to whenever I need to.
It does not lessen the grief - I can say that for sure after 10 weeks, but I have treated her with the love and respect that she deserved and it has given me comfort. It hurts like hell and I don't expect that will lessen with time - I'll just get better as dealing with it - but I've tried to create a positive memorial to her which will always be there.
And most importantly she knows that her Daddy loves her very much and always will xxx
Sleep well beautiful Clara xx