After the funeral and the post mortem results, you may feel very sad and empty. Intense grief can go on for a long time and many parents find it hard to believe that they will ever feel alright again.

Parents often feel under pressure from friends, family and colleagues to “get over” the death of their baby in a few weeks. Parents may also feel they have to hide their grief and put on a happy face.

 Again, it can help to talk to other parents who have been in the same situation. They know that this is a journey that may take months and years.

“ Nothing is ever the same after losing a baby. But people want you to get back to how you were. They expect you to do it fairly quickly.” Mother

Parents who have lost one of twins, and parents who have lost one or two of triplets, may find that other people expect them to be happy because they have a living child. But for most parents, having a living child does not reduce their grief for the baby or babies who have died.

The emotional roller-coaster that many grieving parents go through in the weeks and months after their baby has died is a natural response to loss. Most parents recover and can function normally with time, but some may need professional help along the way.

Some mothers also suffer from postnatal depression, this is different from the sadness that is a normal part of grieving. Some parents have persistent and intrusive flashbacks of the events surrounding their baby’s death and may put these down to grief, when in fact they could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

If after about six months you are still finding it very hard to manage everyday family life or work, it is a good idea to ask for professional help. Make an appointment with your GP and explain how you are feeling. If necessary he or she can refer you for specialist help and support.

The longer term

It is very common for parents to experience renewed waves of grief even long after their baby’s death. These may come out of the blue, or may be triggered by events and dates, for example, the date your baby was due, anniversaries of his or her death, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, family celebrations and festivals.

Many parents also feel waves of sadness when other children who were born around the same time are starting nursery or primary school or beginning to be independent. For parents of twins or more babies of whom one died, such milestones are particularly poignant. A living child’s progress is inevitably a reminder of what might have been.

“ The pain is still deep inside, surfacing occasionally, but you get through somehow. You have to. I still cry, with some days being better than others. Seeing all the other mothers passing with toddlers her age and imagining what she would look like, it always brings a tear or two so I have to turn away.” Mother

Many parents say that life is never the same after the death of their baby. Instead, they reach what some have called a “new normal”. Their baby will always remain an important part of their lives but they can also function normally, the acute pain and grief of the early days have gone.

“ My life has been changed forever, but I can enjoy it again – something I never thought possible. Our son is always with me, but that sharp, intense, all-consuming pain is no longer there.” Mother