Grief and couples

“ The first few months were very hard. We seemed very separate and at times I wondered if we would ever get through this. But looking back now, I think it has made us stronger as a couple.”   Mother

Bereaved couples often feel cut off from each other. It is extremely hard to give support and understanding to someone else when you are in such need of support yourself. The way that grief comes and goes means that you and your partner may not feel or need the same things at the same time. You may also have different ways of expressing and dealing with your feelings.

For most mothers, the death of their baby is intensely physical as well as emotional. The baby that has been growing and moving inside the mother is suddenly gone. After the birth, her body still reacts as though she has a baby to care for. Many women are also more inclined to focus on their feelings and to want their partner to acknowledge these. They may need to cry and to be allowed to feel sad. They may need continuing reassurance that there was nothing that they could have done to prevent their baby dying.

Many fathers put their feelings on hold and get through by focussing on supporting the mother and planning for the future. Other people often assume that men will be strong  and just keep going. Fathers are also generally expected to return to work very soon after the death of their baby and this too may lead some men to ignore their grief and to focus on “getting on with life”. For more information for fathers, see the Sands leaflet Mainly for fathers.

“ I think if the truth be told, we’ve probably moved a bit further apart. I don’t think we communicated how we were feeling particularly well. Maybe it’s our inability to share how we feel, or maybe just thinking I’ve shut this chapter door. I want to get on with my life.”  Father

Same sex partners may also find that other people expect them to be strong and to focus on supporting the mother. Friends and acquaintances, as well as health professionals, may show far more concern for the mother than for her partner, who may feel left out and ignored. It is easy to see why bereaved couples may misunderstand each other and how this can lead to anger, hurt feelings and arguments. These are all the more distressing at a time when many couples feel that they should be especially close and should be supporting each other.Such difficulties can affect all aspects of a couple’s relationship, including their sex life. While sex may be a source of comfort and intimacy for one partner, the other may not even be able to consider the idea, especially soon after the baby’s death.

It is important to try to be patient and gentle with each other. Try to tell each other how you feel, and to really listen to each other - even if this is very difficult. Try to accept what your partner is saying and doing, even if his or her reactions are very different from your own. It may help if each of you gets some support from other people so that you do not rely totally on each other. You may also find it helpful to attend local Sands support group meetings together , partly to hear how other couples are managing.