What to say

Small children do not have any preconception of death, only what adults transfer to them so it's important to be as clear and truthful as possible about what has happened. Avoid saying 'the baby fell asleep' for instance as younger children may wonder if the baby is going to wake up, or may be scared to go to sleep themselves for fear of dying. Phrases such as 'we have lost the baby' may make them wonder if the baby can be found again or make them fearful about what will happen if they themselves 'get lost'.

Some parents have found it helpful to show a younger child how death occurs in nature - among plants and animals - and to explain that people, even small babies, die too.

You may be surprised how accepting your child is when they hear that their baby brother or sister has died, especially younger children. They may ask a question, then go off and play, coming back to you at different times to ask further questions. Take the lead from them; they will ask questions when they are ready to hear the answers. Typical questions may include:

• Where has she/he gone? Your answer will depend on your faith but most people find it comforting to draw a line between the body which has stopped working and the soul or spirit which will stay in the hearts of the people who love your baby.
• Is it like sleeping? It's not like sleeping because when you're asleep your body is resting and getting healthy, but when you die your body has stopped working.
• Why did the baby die? Many parents do not know exactly what caused the death of their baby and it's better to be honest and say that you don't know than make up a reason.

Reactions

Some children express their emotions through drawing or writing; their responses will also depend on their personalities and age. It can take some children months, even years to really absorb what has happened, as their age gradually shapes their understanding. Try not to be worried. It will be important during this time to keep answering their questions as best you can, and as they arise. If you find it upsetting, it may be a good idea to ask grandparents or other members of the family to help you.

"I was horrified when David, then 11, bellowed across his after-school club to someone that 'mum's having another dead baby' during the 48-wait between induction and labour." Mother

Initially though, it's helpful to let teachers at your child(rens')'s school(s) or play group know what has happened. It may be the first time they have had to care for a child whose sibling has died and Sands is also here as a resource to help them if they need it. There may be behavioural issues your children face which teachers and other adults close to them can help them with. Siblings may find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of having to explain to their own friends what has happened to their baby brother or sister.

Your feelings

Some parents may also experience guilt towards any existing children. They may feel they are responsible for the fact that their child/children must deal with such a tragedy, and that they have let them down somehow.

"His 'oddest' reaction was to start toting his big pooh bear around, on long journeys in the car, sleeping with him, and referring to him as his brother. That hurt too as I felt we'd let him down by not being able to give him a sibling." Mother

Some parents may also feel that they should hide their distress from their children or explain their tears away as a 'headache'.  It is okay for your child/ren to see you cry. By being honest about your emotions you give your child a positive message that it is okay to cry and show your feelings when something sad or painful happens in life. This will help your child be more open about his or her feelings, not just now, but in their adult life too.

Books and organisations

If you go to the read and listen to section of the website you will find a list of books including some produced by Sands which offer support to parents helping children cope with the death of a sibling.

The Child Bereavement Trust at www.childbereavement.org.uk  is another resource of information and advice on helping families cope with the death of a child. Winston's Wish at www.winstonswish.org.uk, is also dedicated to helping bereaved families. Go to their section on 'children and grief' for more information. Their Young People section is an 'adult-free zone' where children can express their own thoughts in words or pictures.