When a grandchild dies, you have to cope with a double load: your own grief for the baby, and the suffering of your own child.

'For me the suffering was doubly dreadful for, not only did I have to watch my loved grandson suffer and struggle for life, but I had to stand by and see my daughter completely heart-broken and be unable perhaps for the first time since I gave birth to her, to help her in any way.'

Your grandchild

It is always sad when someone dies, but the death of a baby is especially tragic, as it comes when a new life was expected. A grandparent-to-be usually looks forward to a special relationship with the grandchild. If the baby dies, those dreams are lost.

'She was the first grandchild and I longed to hold her before her parents met her.'

The death of your grandchild may revive memories of other losses in your life, but at the same time, your grief may be overlooked as the focus is mainly on the baby's parents.

Your child

As a parent, you feel pain when your child suffers. You may feel helpless because you cannot protect your child from sorrow. You may perhaps feel shut out if your child turns to someone else in their grief. If you search on the rest of the Support section of the site, you will get an idea of some of the things your child will be going through.

Other feelings

You may experience many emotions which may seem 'wrong' but are, in fact, completely normal.

Anger - this may be directed at health professionals, at the other side of the family, at God, or even the baby for causing such distress.

Guilt - may arise because you fear the baby may have inherited a problem from you, or because you had 'bad thoughts' about the pregnancy, or because you feel your reactions and feelings are inappropriate.

Conflict - your religious beliefs may differ from your child's, so you see these events in a different way. You may have been taught to 'keep a stiff upper lip' or not to talk about such things, and find it hard to accept or understand the way stillbirths and neonatal deaths are treated nowadays.

Things to do at the time of a stillbirth or death

• If you live near enough, go to the hospital and see the baby's parents.
• If it is possible for you to see the baby do so; this will be helpful to you in mourning your grandchild, and also to your own child who will value shared memories.
• There may be ceremonies - a baptism or blessing, funeral or memorial service - and it may be helpful to attend.
• If you feel you can, offer to help with practical details, which often fall to the father: go with him to register the birth and death, or stillbirth, if you are able; help arrange the funeral. Don't be too hurt if the offer is rejected.
• Your child has probably been given leaflets which you can read. They may help your grief and also give you an idea of how the baby's parents feel and how you can help.

Afterwards

• Continue to visit, phone or write, and provide love and support.
• It will help your child's grief and your own if you can talk about the baby by his or her name.
• In many cases, parents have a photo of the baby. Don't feel it is macabre to display it. Perhaps in time you would like a copy.
• If you are emotionally close to your child, you can provide great comfort, but you can also cause great pain. Be careful about using 'comforting' phrases which may come easily to your lips but bring hurt. Don't say 'you can have another baby'�, or 'at least you have other children'�, as this can cause great distress. The baby who died was a unique person and no one can replace him or her.
• Don't feel you have to be strong. If you want to cry, do so. Children are usually helped by knowing their parents care.

Long term

It will take your child a long time to recover from the death of a baby, probably longer than you expect. It will commonly take several months to a year. As well as sorrow, the parents may feel anger and guilt, and the mother especially may feel jealous of women with babies. Don't condemn those feelings; they are part of grieving.

The father will also grieve, but may hide his feelings more. Don't assume he is grieving any less than the mother. Even when the first grief has passed, the sadness will last for years, with anniversaries and special occasions being particularly hard.

Future pregnancies will be very anxious times, and a new baby may be greeted with very mixed emotions.