Some parents choose to go back to the same maternity unit because they know and trust the staff there. Others prefer not to as it can bring back vivid memories of their baby’s death, or because they have lost trust in that unit. If you feel like this, ask your GP to refer you to another unit. If there isn’t one near enough, you could ask to be under the care of a different consultant and a different team of midwives.

If your partner can't come with you to antenatal appointments, you may want to ask a family member, friend or someone from Sands to come with you. Sit down with them before you go to the clinic and write down all the questions you might want to ask and anything else you want to tell the staff.

Many maternity units offer to mark the front of the mother’s hospital notes with a special sticker. This  helps to ensure that all the staff who see you know immediately that you have had a baby who died. It saves you having to explain what has happened, and helps the staff understand how you may be feeling. If your notes are not already marked with a sticker and nobody asks you about this, you could ask for it to be done. Many hospitals use teardrop stickers that can be ordered from Sands.

If there was an identifiable complication in your previous pregnancy, you may be considered high risk in your next pregnancy. You may find this extremely stressful, or you may feel comforted that the pregnancy is being watched so carefully. If, however, staff do not consider you “high risk”, you may also find it hard since you are likely to want this pregnancy to be monitored as carefully as possible..

It is very important for your own peace of mind that you tell the staff if you are worried or anxious about anything during the pregnancy, or when you just need reassurance. Some parents worry about “being a nuisance” and wasting people’s time. Please don’t!  Many doctors and midwives say that they would much rather know when parents are worried so that they can check everything carefully and try to offer reassurance.

Some maternity units run special clinics or drop-in sessions for bereaved parents who are expecting another baby. These may be in addition to the usual antenatal clinic sessions. You can go along whenever you feel you need support or reassurance. If you are especially worried, the staff may arrange for you to have another scan or to see the consultant.

You may feel especially anxious as you approach the stage of pregnancy that you had reached when your baby died. You may want extra checks on your baby during this time. It is important to make sure that the staff understand why you are feeling this way, so that they take your needs and requests seriously. 

Special dates

Many parents feel renewed grief at the anniversary of their baby’s death or due date. This can be can be particularly difficult if you are pregnancy again or have just had another baby. The mixture of grief for the baby who died, and hope mixed with anxiety for the new baby, can be very confusing and upsetting.

You may want to tell your midwife the dates of these anniversaries. You may also want to organise extra support on these days and perhaps take special time out for yourself so that you can grieve.