There are no hard and fast rules about how a support meeting should be run. It will depend on the venue, the number of people attending and the needs of the group. The most important thing is that it creates the right atmosphere of support.

Choosing a venue

The venue should be relatively quiet and sensitive to the needs of bereaved parents. Easy access is important, with car parking and public transport nearby if possible. A hospital is not usually a good choice of venue as many parents may feel unable to return to the place their baby died. Many groups use community centres, church halls or rooms in libraries. Some groups hold meetings in their own homes.

Before everyone arrives

Many parents have said that they finding talking around a circle difficult and it is good to create an environment where they can share on a one to one or in small groups.

To make the meeting more relaxed it can help to organise the chairs informally rather than in a circle. This is much less intimidating for people when they enter the room. Provide tea, coffee, water and perhaps juice, fruit teas, biscuits. It is important to remember a box of tissues. Have a table for books, leaflets and other resources that people to borrow or buy. This also acts as a quiet area where parents can be away from the main group if they wish.

Some groups have a collection tin in case people would like to contribute towards the refreshments.

As people arrive

Try to greet people individually and offer a drink as they come in. It can help if you introduce people to each other before they sit down as it takes away the need for formal introductions which can feel intimidating. It also helps parents to begin talking to each other and reduces the likelihood of a circle being created. Remember to explain where the toilets and any fire escape are.

During the meeting

It is important, but can be difficult, to ensure that everyone has had the opportunity to share their experience and feelings as they would like to. Please remember that some people will only want to listen and may not want or be able to share their thoughts. It is the befriender's role to help in this. If someone is talking for a long time and you can see that others would like to speak, then you may gently move them on. If there are long silences then you need to be prepared to prompt the conversation. It may be helpful for you to introduce people who you know have similar experiences, been at the same hospital or were bereaved at the same time.

Meetings can be very emotional and very tiring for people. It is a good idea to introduce a natural break halfway through by offering another drink. Some groups also take this as an opportunity for a moment's quiet reflection, perhaps by lighting a candle. A break will also easily allow everyone to move around the room and talk to different people.

Creating a supportive environment

It is really important to remember, and if necessary remind people, that Sands is there for anyone who has experienced the death of a baby. No death is harder or easier to bear and grief cannot be measured.

There may be a range of experiences at the meeting, some of which may be difficult for others to accept.

If there are members of your group who are pregnant it is often helpful to ask them if you can let the others in the group know beforehand, so that they know to expect it.

It is crucial that people do not feel judged for their circumstances, actions or feelings. It is the role of the befriender to make sure this does not happen. If you do have situations which you find difficult to deal with then please contact our Group Services Manager, Sue Hale on 0845 6520 443 or groups(at)uk-sands.org

Ending the meeting

About 10 minutes before the end, remind people that the meeting is approaching the end. Some groups us this time to let people know about any events or activities in the group.
At the close it is helpful to remind people of the next date and venue (if different) and also that they may contact a befriender or the Sands helpline in between.

As a befriender you can find meetings quite tiring and emotional. It is important to look at your own support. If you would like to talk about anything that happened in a meeting then please contact our Group Services Manager, Sue Hale on 0845 6520 443 or groups(at)uk-sands.org